Dear Diary (The Four & Fifth Agreements)

So I have been working on myself, and putting some of the philosophies I am learning into my everyday life.  I some times I feel like I’m working on how to be an asshole, but it’s not even that to be honest.  It is really just being more self centered and doing what I need to be a better person.  People expect you to be selfish and less caring.  Past experience kind of made me want to show a more caring side, I was living without showing how I felt.  When I had the chance to finally show more feelings, that’s what I did, and that seemed to backfire on me.  So stuck somewhere in the middle, the most healthy thing to do was concentrate on myself.  It feels selfish to say it, most people just do it.  I think when I tried to show that I cared, the perception was that I was weak or vulnerable, true because these were my feelings left in the open.  But my view was that yes, these were my feelings, but I had come to the realization, I was disappointed so many times before, I needed to get my feelings out for myself.  If that is not what the person wanted, it was alright.

Recently I was really confused, a certain person told me that she felt she was falling in love with me.  I felt the same, but I wasn’t sure this is how she really felt.  But that is not the confusing part.  I can remember saying so many times, “no pressure” and that is what I really meant, I had feelings for this woman, but I also have my reasons to be careful of my heart.  I had faced the fact that the odds were against me.  Without going into details, things would not be a stroll in the park for me in this relationship,.. What relationship is really easy in today’s world.  But in this relationship I was sure I would have to become a bigger person to master what was coming.  I was ready for it, when I knew that person was in my corner.  And this person had already let me down often.  There were times when I was invited to go to different family like events, like birthday parties, I was nervous and had some self doubt.  But the rock of my strength was knowing we were together.  I really felt like when we were together there was nothing that could shake my confidence.  If it was the person or the thought of having someone there with me, that gave me the strength was the question.  She would ask me if I was alright with coming along or with the arrangements and my answer was as long as I’m with you I am not afraid.  That was so true.  I missed that feeling.  Returning to being alone to face the world is what tells me I need to be an asshole, that is only thinking of himself and his needs.  I was a family man always thinking about the needs of a family.  Yes, before the end of that relationship, I did somethings that might have appeared to be selfish.  I was trying to get my ex-wife’s attention, so we would be able to talk, but that didn’t work and that was the wrong type of attention.  What hurt the most was the feeling of having given so much of myself, but left feeling like I was not enough.  That made me feel like, I shouldn’t have shown that much of myself.  I would have saved myself so much effort in the end.  I am not bitter, I am not a bad person.  I like who I am, being a nice guy is alright, just not for that person.  I am not wrong for being myself.  That person was not the right one for me.  I will continue to be myself, and I will not change.  Ok, I will Change, for sure, what I mean is that I will always be true to myself.  Wow, not lying to myself should be so easy right.  I blow myself up the best, better than anyone else for sure.  A failed relationship is not who I am. That does not define who I am.

I have been learning that why people say hurtful things, this not a reflection of me. In fact it is areflection of that person’s feelings and thoughts.  Just like what I say is my power.  The only power we have as people is what we say, the power of our voice and words is truly our only power.  The actions and things we say are how we communicate most directly to others.  That is our power from God.  That is what makes us different from animals.  We are all In a dream, we are awake, but dreaming the entire time. We are  Dreaming we are in Heaven or in hell.

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